Bloganuary ‘23, Day 17: YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BAGELER

So, every day, WordPress gives you a free writing prompt; usually nothing so focused or fertile as Bloganuary’s provocations, but just a little somthin’ to maybe spark the ol’ thinker, you get it. I’ve got a few drafts of them stored away for a rainy day, but I’ll answer today’s as a SPECIAL BONUS because TODAY IS MY FRIDAY and I am FILLED WITH CARBONARA AND BROTHERLY LOVE FOR YOU ALL.
Today’s prompt was ‘What is your spirit animal?’, which, first off, we’re not doing that anymore, although I do approve of and recommend Nick Offerman’s non-racist, non-appropriative alternative, “Phantom Beast”. That said, I am a man who values self-knowledge over a great many things, and so I must admit that while I couldn’t have answered this with any confidence six months ago, I saw something on the Hallmark website this past holiday season and was forced to reckon with the fact that my inner ikon had been captured and rendered into a Christmas tree ornament. Behold, the true face of your Bageler:

Look at that rascal! So jaunty the chapeau, so snuggly the scarf! Wee piehole alight with wholesome yuletide mischief! He’s not one of the murder-gremlins, he just wants to spread goodwill and musical cheer to orphan-evicting corrupt landlord Ruby Deagle! The murder-gremlins are already in the house, silly!

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January 17th:
Describe The Happiest Day Of Your Life.

(Obligatory reminder to subscribe to my once-monthly newsletter here, which rounds up everything I wrote in the preceding month, grants access to a curated members-only Spotify playlist, and includes a piece of exclusive bonus collectible content I will NEVER repost anywhere else, ever!)

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IT WAS TWENTY AND TWENTY, and y’know what? We were just fed the hell up with not being married to each other anymore. The pandemic obviously wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and we had always wanted a small, quiet ceremony; also, it had been made clearer than usual over the past year that tomorrow is not guaranteed. So we booked an officiant and set out for Scottsdale, TO RETURN ONLY WHEN WE WERE BOUND TO ONE ANOTHER, in the eyes of the Law, the eyes of whatever God/s there may or may not be and, not most importantly but perhaps most urgently, in the eyes of Blue Cross Blue Shield of Arizona.

The day was wonderful beyond description, and despite what one would be forgiven for thinking I’m actually an extremely private person, so I will offer only the following highlights:

1. Waking to find two urban foxes snuggling in our backyard. While I am definitely more woo-woo than she is, even my shorter half had to agree that it was difficult not to see this as a sign and a blessing, that they somehow knew we, too, would mate for life. WE KNOW WHAT THE FOX SAYS: “I DO.”
2. The officiant was assisted by a shepherd mix named Dixie
3. The witness asked us if–I am not making this up–we had ever met Frasier.
4. Dixie contributing to the ceremony by digging up her mom’s sego palm in the background
5. Going home and eating entirely too much Olive Garden and watching Frasier, which we had been planning to do anyway, which actually made that earlier bit weirder???
6. Extreme smoochin’.

That shit was downright magical, and I’m grateful for her every day. She’s my best friend, my favorite person, and the love of my life, and I frequently threaten to doublemarry her.
My vows were not brief–I’d spend some years composing them, usually in the shower–and I was reasonably proud of them and how they expressed my feelings for her and for Us; hers were customarily eloquent in their brevity, and hit like a Mack truck. However, if I had read Gideon The Ninth at the time I could’ve and would’ve replaced them with an oath that says it all better than I ever could: One flesh, one end. I love you, Mochamouse. You and me, til the end of the world.

–The Bageler

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Like an angel in disguise