Okay, listen: I forget how we got there, but this morning my wife said she was starting a charity for people born without butts, which she named No Butts About It.
I think we all know what I’m capable of, and that means knowing that I am certainly not going to top that in an intro I’m hastily rattling out during an episode of M*A*S*H*.
January 18th:
What’s Your Favorite Meal To Cook And/Or Eat?
(Obligatory reminder to subscribe to my once-monthly newsletter here, which rounds up everything I wrote in the preceding month, grants access to a curated members-only Spotify playlist, and includes a piece of exclusive bonus collectible content I will NEVER repost anywhere else, ever!)
I ALMOST DID NOT PARTICIPATE today, due to Computer Explosions, and also not really being much of a cooksman. I will, however, take this opportunity to pass down a culinary technology that has served me very well: eating as many things as humanly possible out of a mug.
Cereal?
A mug fulla the stuff fits nicely in your lap and securely on the couch or wherever, you can carry it around, and you don’t have to worry about a bowl tipping like nine degrees and spilling your godddamn Raisin Bran Crunch all over the place.
Pasta?
Mug those buttersnakes up and you don’t have to chase renegade noodles all over a plate or fish them out of a bowl, the central core will help retain heat instead of spreading it thither and yon, and since the sauce/butter/whatever will pool at the bottom, you can contain and regulate its distribution to your heart’s content.
Mashed potatoes?
Tell me I don’t have to explain this one to you. TELL me I don’t have to lay out the gravy-reservoir and/or bacon-bit possibilities this opens up for you.
Ice cream?
WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU ABOUT MASHED POTOATOES?
And scrambled eggs?
I believe you mean my personal, several-times-a-week breakfast go-to, layered scrambled egg breakfast lasagna. As the diagram below illustrates, a vertical fork-approach allows you to get the perfect mouthful every time, with an even and controlled ratio of egg to your other ingredients, in my case mostly colby-jack cheese.
(Side-note, find here my personal preference for scrambled-egg preparation, and the below variation of mug-technique assumes this or something similar so you can distribute the finished eggs as you see fit; if you prefer microwaved scrambled eggs the mug is still a fantastic option, but your layering-possibilities are limited.)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to crack the math on fitting a waffle into one of those bastards; I think there are some very exciting things to be done with the possibility of a syrup-cenote.
–The Bageler