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I am a known enjoyer of the gentle jazz-gummy, so yes, by the time I get around to writing this in the evening, the answer to this question is just a link to a darkweb database labeled “Every Snack Real, Imagined, And Illegal”. I’m eating soft peppermint puffs right now, like a boss. Last night I ate java-chip oreos until my tongue was black, and the less said about that missing thing of peanut M&Ms the better.
But tonight I am here to discuss a different kind of snack, one that is very soft but also bites back, like so many fishy-crackers, and also pineapple.
Everybody, meet Cannoli J. Cat:
You may remember the events of Armeowgeddon earlier this year, whereby I came into custody of Celebrated Local Furry Piranha Tiramisu J. Cat.
Misu got left behind by the clowder, but several of his siblings continue to be regulars at the Back Porch Cantina, including the little grey cat that until now we’d called Blueberry Crumble. He and the Sheriff, specifically, are here every day, super-lovey and talky and happy to hang out with a human; the Sheriff, for his part, clearly has no interest in the domesticus part of felis, but Blue would run inside when I opened the door to feed them, and while we understand that we can’t save every cat from the Red Ballet out there, we decided to save this one. He and Misu are already besties again, and he’s still a little skittish but quickly warming to us, and even moreso to the actual warmulator I keep in my office:
HE IS VERY SMALL AND GOOD, but She Who Is My Wife has very exacting standards regarding cat names; apparently ‘Blue’ and ‘The Sheriff’ are good enough handles for Outies, but a Cat of the People–a Cat of the World–needs something more particular and essential. We set the field of play and chose our weapons: Italian desserts from the Wikipedia page1, single-elimination bracket, Lord Kensington rules. I lobbied hard for Affogato2, but wasted a crucial, and indeed fatal, veto on Penuce, like that was EVER gonna win, and her long game came together and absolutely disassembled my ass. So he’s Cannoli J. Cat now, and he is ours and good and his collar is purple and has D&D dice on it, so I think we can agree: King of Cats, Cat of Kings.