In The Tweet Of The Night

Twitter is dead, long live the Second Age of the Blög.
I encourage and request that you interact with me here as you would’ve on Bird App; comment or call me a racist for liking oatmeal or whatever, and you can reply to a specific Me(et)™️ with the reference-number included with each one.

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‪Doc: how many analgesics do you take‬

‪Me: TylenALL of them lol‬

‪D: …‬

‪M: …‬

‪D: …you’re in advanced liver failure‬

‪M: (under breath) Advilanced liver failure ‬

12.37pm, 8.12.23, #90

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I do no have the words to express the fork it sticks into the garbage disposal of my 90’s-kid brain that we can’t recycle fucking anything anymore, I feel like I’m letting Captain Planet and Gaia down and I can’t carry that, I’m just a man

(See this episode of 99PI for more; it’s depressing for the predictable reasons but also has a bunch of things we can do re: reuse and reduction of waste. It’s preposterous to put the burden of a country’s sins on the individual, but we gotta do what we can, I guess.)

8.28pm, 8.6.23, #89

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I have twice in my life seen a human being fall headlong into the clutches of absolute, permanent obsession: the day my father found the stock market channel, and the day my wife realized she can monitor our smart thermostats from her phone in real-time. I just went to tick the air down a degree or two because it’s muggy as a Color Me Mine in here and the SECOND my finger left the touchscreen her text-voot-pattern went off in my pocket; admittedly it was just her taking her turn in our text-chess game, but I still jumped out of my skin, turned the air back up, and sat back down like I hadn’t done anything.

11.01am, 7.18.23, #88

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GUESS WHO KEEPS CLIMBING INTO THE OUTSIDE CATS’ WATER AND TRYING TO DROWN HIS STRIPY YELLOW BEE-HIND

6.51pm, 6.28.23, #87

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One could argue that it’s my own fault for including ‘Joie De Vivre’ on my resume as one of my stats, but at least now I know for SURE that these emails are being automatically generated by bots.

6.16pm, 6.15.23, #86

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Things we’ve called Almonzo Wilder during our re-watch of Little House On The Prairie:
-Zaldamo
-Garmonbozia
-Alvin & The Chipmonzos
-Clemenza
-Pokémonzo
-Clamato
-The Almonzone
-Almond Roca
-Garbanzo
-Credenza
-ALLAMARAINE
-Mr. Monzer Mash
-Calzone
-Zatoichi the Blind Swordsman

Some of those are lies because I was having too much fun, but I’ll use them NOW for sure

7.17pm, 6.9.23, #85

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6.53pm, 6.7.23, #84

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Features of my new resume:

-A baseball-style stat Iist including a score for ‘Joie De Vivre’
-A description of me as “the problem and the solution”
-A Hunter S. Thompson quote
-A crossword puzzle, the answers to whose clues are keywords about my skills and work history found throughout my resume, except the one about the number of times I’ve bitten an authority figure; that one you just gotta know

Proportion of interviewers who have specifically said it stood out and is why they called me: 100%

Checkmate, that one professor who told me it was “impossible” to be “professional and academic” and also include “fake lies” and “made up facts about tobacco being removed from the Food Pyramid in 1983” and “James Madison creating the official cocktail of his administration, the Tequila Madisonrise, onstage during his inauguration per tradition”

3.27pm, 5.31.23, #83

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Job-hunting sucks

Why are all these companies so needy, they all want me to do things for them if I want money

Why can’t I just get paid to learn German full-time or tell you which donuts have gone stale and aren’t worth the calories or test your cutting-edge napping-stations

Why can you not hire me to simply Put Out The Vibe

1.20pm, 5.31.23, #82

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My entries (courtesy of TimeHop) in a Star Wars-themed potluck-dish contest from some years ago, when only The Force Awakens had come out and everyone was still really excited about the future of Star Wars and not mad forever about The Rise Of Skywalker:

-Salacious Croquembouche
-Beignet Kenobis
-First Order Hors D’eouvres
-Bananakins Foster
-Hanburgers w/ red-cellophane toothpicks
-Alderaamen
-Bao-ba Fetts
-Slave Leia-er Cake (that chokes you)
-Padme Thai
-Biggs In A Blanket
-C-3POkra
-Garlic Thrawns
-Butterfinger BB-8s
-Flan Low-Caloriessian
-Poe-tatoes au Grat-Finn
-ONE QUARTER PORKTION
-Potato Wedges

11.43am, 5.2.23, #81

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Watching Star Trek: Discovery and Saru just traded Live Long And Prospers with this Vulcan lady, which makes one ask: is part of Starfleet training doing that thing where you have to physically separate your middle and ring fingers until you can make them do it on their own

This dumbass suggests: that would be hilarious, so yes

1.18pm, 4.16.23, #80

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SURE HOPE YOU’RE EXCITED TO HEAR ABOUT THE DEAD SPACE REMAKE BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS WHY I WANTED A PS5 AND IT COMES OUT TODAYYYYYYYYYYY

MAKE

US

WHOLE.

9.04am, 1.27.34, #79

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Hi sorry I forgot I was doing this AND ALSO I HAVE BEEN CONSUMED BY BLOGANUARY, here is your update: I like the new Klingon design on Star Trek: Discovery

8.53am, 1.25.22
#78

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We’re watching M*A*S*H* and uh–like Deliberate Values Dissonance is definitely a thing, it’s a useful tool and they’re obviously invoking it here, but 70’s morals are, if anything, further from ours than 50’s morals were from 70’s morals, so it’s EXTREMELY difficult to tell when they’re being intentionally offensive and when they sincerely think it’s okay to keep Frank in a drug-stupor against his will so he doesn’t ruin their party. It’s WEIRD, but h*ck if the writing isn’t still scalpel-sharp.

5.37pm, 12.31.22
#77

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I would like to take the INCREDIBLY BOLD stance of saying: Glass Onion was Very Good.
Thank you. I am very brave.

7.12pm, 12.28.22
#76

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Yes hello we just watched an episode of Unsolved Mysteries about UFOs and so naturally now I am pretty thoroughly Spooked and eyeing my windows with distrust

10.18pm, 12.17.22
#75

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There’s an episode in the third season of The Crown dealing with the UK Coal Miner’s Strike of 1972, and I would sincerely read an entire book about what happened to the candle industry while that was going down, can you imagine how fast you’d have to melt those horses or whatever

10.12am, 12.14.22
#74

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Uh I just got offered, out of the blue, my first paid voice-acting gig?
Unless this is some cruel phantom, woven by the POWERFUL decongestant-potion that this mysterious chirurgeon keeps my medical hookah topped off with

5.25pm, 12.13.22
#73

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If anybody ever tells you your 30’s are too old to mix stimulants and depressants, you just tell ‘em you saw the Ol’ Bageler knocking back NyQuil and strapping on a nebulizer mask loaded with albuterol and he NEVER LOOKED MORE ALIVE

8.50pm, 12.11.22
#72

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AND SO IT BEGAN
(And now you know WHOM TO BLAME and WHY IT IS NOT ME.)

7.52am, 12.6.22
#71

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Listen Lower Decks did NOT need to win me over any more than it already had, I was squarely in the pocket, and then they hit me with Golic Vulcan and I was down for the count

7.40am, 12.6.22
#70

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My problem used to be not eating enough fruit, then I remembered raisins are delicious, and now my problem is that I’m eating several hundred of them at a time which is, in its own way, a much bigger problem

12.52pm, 12.5.22
#6Nice

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Watched Smile on Paramount+ and I’d give it a solid B; starts very strong, fantastic performances and atmosphere, completely falls apart in the second half save one absolutely incredible, STUNNINGLY horrifying monster-effect at the end. Definitely worth watching, but I’d say more worth doing a free Paramount+ trial than paying whatever Amazon is asking for a rental.

5.12pm, 12.4.44
#68

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Found in r/journaling, thought it might be useful for any of my periodically-inclined pals who are also obsessive notebookers like myself. (Note: probably not a great idea in some parts of the U.S.; use your best judgment.)

9.46pm, 12.3.22
#67

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Can you imagine how refreshing washing your hands or shampooing would be if the water was carbonated

10.26am, 12.3.22
#66

I spent my morning finding a way to download the Bulk & Skull theme for a five-second throwaway editing joke, so I must be doing SOMETHING right

8.42am, 11.30.22
#65

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NICE TRY, Lower Decks, but 8 seasons of Gilmore Girls have equipped me to handle dialogue of ANY speed

7.25pm, 11.29.22
#64

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Listen I am here for each and every medical development, it’s the only thing that’s allowed our species to advance, I’m just saying this is LITERALLY how the Butlerian Jihad started.

7.50am, 11.29.22
#63

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Thoughts from my viewing of Black Panther: Wakanda Forever:

[Previews]

-Awful lotta snickering at Black Ariel for a theater fulla people allegedly here to see and celebrate blacktors

-‘Quantumania‘ is a fantastic title for a mid-tier first-person shooter from 1999 with one cool gimmicky gun, and a terrible name for a movie that we’re supposed to take as seriously as this movie clearly wants to be taken.

[Feature]

–Namor: (in Mayan language*) Imperius Rex!

Shuri: Wakanda forever!

Me: Did–did he just speak Latin in Mayan?

-I love Goofy Uncle M’Baku

-I definitely cried when I realized all of these people were actually eulogizing their friend

*There’s more than one Mayan language, none of the articles I can find identify the specific one in the movie, don’t @ me

6.52pm, 11.26.22

#62

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I’m reading the excellent and extremely upsetting Still Alive: Graphic Reportage from Australia’s Immigration Detention System and uh–

Like–don’t get me wrong, 100% pro-refugee, no-human-is-illegal lefty here, and I think a refugee’s perspective and account of what they go through is something the average American badly needs exposure to, it just seems to me that openly publishing your methods of bamboozling the Law might be…misguided.

3.57pm, 11.18.22

#61

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INITIAL THOUGHTS ON NEW POKÉMON GAME:

Pro:

-The monsters themselves have never looked or moved better

-Quality-of-life gameplay, battle, and exploration improvements (including a lot of what worked in Legends Arceus) are lifesavers

Con:

-Cousin if your game is so janky technically speaking that I notice, you have Fucked Up

8.44am, 11.18.22

#60

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I’ve been playing Pokémon since 1998 and I have no goddamn idea what the hell this thing is, all I know is that he is my giant monster son and I love him; when we stroll down the street together people say “What a handsome, terrifying family”, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted

1.39pm, 11.16.22

#59

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Yeah hi I love comics

(Tom Taylor’s Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man)

9.21am, 11.16.22

#58

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I’m replaying God Of War (2018) because I never finished it, so be prepared for thoughts on that, like this one:

If Baldur has Complete Immortality, how does he have tattoos, which are really just scarification with added pigment?

7.13am, 11.15.22

#57

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I am…choosing to believe that this is Robert Kirkman writing misogynist characters, not BEING a misogynist, but even then it’s the Jim Butcher effect, like, these dudes are still in you book, guy, you still had these words in your head
Also jfc dude did they have a sale on words

11.10am, 11.12.22

#56

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Reading Saga is self-harm and I will never stop

10.58am, 11.12.22

#55

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I have exactly one (1) note for She-Hulk: Attorney At Law: when that chud injected himself and transformed, he should’ve sprouted a massive, nasty neckbeard. Too on-the-nose/neck? Absolutely, and in a show that could afford to be subtle that would be a problem, but as it’s been made perfectly clear to us a number of times, women who try to be subtle and not make a fuss end up stepped on at best and literally murdered at worst.

11.13am, 11.10.22

#54

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Yes hello my blood is now 67% the John Wick Chapter 4 trailer

The Moody Trailer Cover Song is such a cheap fucking trick and it hits me like a sledgehammer every single time

10.06am, 11.10.22

#53

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Maybe you’re like me, and thought to yourself: Everybody says She-Hulk: Attorney At Law is great, but how good could it actually be?

This is your sign: it’s tied for best MCU show with WandaVision and I would rank it above all but maybe the top five movies, go watch it right now

9.41am, 11.10.22

#52

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A Rare Creature appears!

You may not recognize her because she isn’t killing anything or doing a Sexy Dance banned on four continents, but it would appear that the possibility of string cheese has, but for a moment, tamed the savage Bones

9.29am, 11.10.22

#51

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[tensely] Nice

8.21pm, 11.10.22

#50

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As I’ve grown older, making me cry has gone from an achievable challenge to pretty easy, then to effortless, and finally to something you have to actively try NOT to do; nonetheless, Oathbringer was the only book that had ever done it until tonight, when Simon Rich made me screw up my face and try not to bawl over a half-man-half-gorilla named Clobbo finding his new purpose after retirement. Go read New Teeth and come be destroyed by laughter and emotional suckerpunches with me.

10.21pm, 11.9.22

#49

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Can anybody tell us why Biden is in this thirty-year-old episode of In The Heat Of The Night

6.43pm, 11.9.22

#48

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We’re doing of a run-up of The Crown in preparation for the new season and I FORGOT BRITISH TV MOVES WEIRD

(Also monarchy is inherently bad and should be abolished, and I can recognize that while also enjoying drama about flawed people in, I think we can agree, EXTREMELY strange circumstances)

5.22pm, 11.9.22

#47

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An explorer, a pioneer, seeing far by standing tall on the shoulders of Daddy.

3.19pm, 11.9.22

#46

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So far the scariest thing about Resident Evil 2 Remake is how dismissive it is of my desire to not be badly startled by having the controller make MONSTER-NOISES EVEN THOUGH THE GODDAMN TV IS MUTED.

(Jkjk game Ver Scare and Good)

1.22pm, 11.9.22

#45

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Look, Grody Old Ceiling Fan, I’m just as shocked by these developments as you are. (Because your exposed wiring got me).

11.47am, 11.9.22

#44

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The thing about I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas isn’t its catchiness, it’s how many questions it raises without the FAINTEST hope it’ll answer them. Obviously we all want to know what exactly qualifies one as “a hippo hero”, but let us consider: “There’s lots of room for him in our two car garage/ I’d feed him there and wash him there/ And give him his massage”, not a massage, which has unclear but powerful and upsetting implications.

6.47pm, 11.8.22

#43

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“Villain era”, he whispered as he bought something he didn’t need from a shopkeeper in a video game just so he wouldn’t have to feel bad when he read the disappointed flavor-text he’d get if he exited without making a purchase

1:51pm, 11.8.22

#42

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I’m getting to the age where the protagonists in more and more media I interact with are younger than I am, and it’s strange but it’s also a kind of relief; the X-Files are a young man’s game, and I am too tired to chase a gargoyle or be thrown free of an ancient spaceship tearing itself free of the permafrost.

10:53am, 11.8.22

#41

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Finland McBowling-Pinland is as hooked on The Mysterious Benedict Society as we are, because he has EXCELLENT taste and also ANXIETY

9.44pm, 11.5.22

#40

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Made a smoothie! Didn’t hate it.

If it’d been food, I’d say I ate it.

#NothingPurpleIsBadForYou

#NothingBadForYouIsPurple

#HealthPotion

#BasicBitchSmoothie

#SideEffectsMayIncludeHashtags

9.41pm, 11.5.22

#39

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As one of the six people currently living to whom the source novels mean a great deal, I am THRILLED to confirm that Confess, Fletch was a HELL of a lot of fun and Hamm did a fantastic job. Rumor has it that the writer was tagged to cook up a script for an adaptation of the following novel, Fletch’s Fortune, and I’m devoting 16% of my Hope and 40% of my blackmail to making it happen.

8.53pm, 11.5.22

#38

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Rereading Saga for the new volume and yep, can confirm, it’s official: I’m still mad about The Brand.

11.37am, 11.5.22

#37

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Yeah hi this has lived in my head rent-free for thirteen years

7.56pm, 11.4.22

#36

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Y’know, one day you have to create a WB webstore account to buy a cool Fringe poster, and before you know it it’s seven years later and their annual advertising emails are a welcome sight in a world gone mad, a comforting reminder of a simpler time that you smile at and immediately delete

1.09pm, 11.4.22

#35

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Them: so I was going over my Crypto portfolio

Me: (picturing a stockbroker that’s clearly a Superdog who went to Men’s Warehouse) right, right

12.46pm, 11.4.22

#34

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BUUUUUH I’M POKÉMON GO, HOW ABOUT I LET YOU BEAT UP THE DEVIL WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND THEN GIVE YOU POKEBALLS MADE OF FARTS AND MERINGUE TO FAIL TO CATCH HIM WITH

12.27pm, 11.4.22

#33

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Junji Ito: What if a thing happened, but it was like, fucked up

Us: (correctly) oh shit

10.51am, 11.4.22

#32

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Wait just a second

“Nona the Ninth”

Nona, as in…the first four letters of Nonagesimus?!

I am NOT smart enough for these books and I LOVE THAT FEELING

6.53pm, 11.2.22

#31

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Related to but distinct from the previous thought:

It is some absolute monkey’s-paw horseshit that The Future has turned receiving a package–which used to be a WEEKS-long, wait-by-the-window event–into something so commonplace it borders on annoying.

3.24pm, 11.2.22

#30

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My wife just text me “You’re the best” just because I brought a couple of parcels in for her, and I made this and sent it to her; you know if you need this image, and I welcome you to take it.

2.27pm, 11.2.22

#29

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Now I’m recycling my army of Diet Coke cans at a little quite literal hole-in-the-wall recycling place I go to, and this joint always has The Most Bees, like more than I’ve ever seen anywhere else in my human life; it is scary because Bees, but also they don’t want me, they want the sweet sweet soda-pop droplets hiding within the millions of cans in the little garage’s depths, and I get that, but bees are also stupid and sometimes think I might be a slightly tall soda can and feel a duty to investigate the possibility, and I’m afraid they will make their pointy displeasure known when I DO turn out to be full of soda, but not in a way that allows them access to it.

1.33pm, 11.2.22

#28

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I was halfway through composing a list of comics that they need to start carrying before I realized that 1.) I don’t work there, and 2.) They don’t know that I am the lord of a very small internet comics-kingdom and have no obligation to recognize my authority.

Yet.

12.04pm, 11.2.22

#27

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I’m in my local new/used-buy/sell bookstore selling some stuff and browsing the comics while I await my offer, and it’s been so long–years, at this point–since I’ve been in a physical bookstore that it’s like seeing online friends IRL, like Spy X Family how the hell are you! Lumberjanes you look so strong! Kaiju No. 8, now I KNOW you’re keeping it monstrous! Ice Cream Man you stay the FUCK away from me but it’s still great to see you!

11.51am, 11.2.22

#26

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Look there’s a lot you could say about Refrigerator Full Of Heads, some of it justifiably negative, but there is not a soul on this Earth who can rightfully say that this book fails to make the fun choice at every opportunity, which in this case yes, means chaining an undead Great White’s head to the front of a Lincoln for an occasion of revenge.

9.37pm, 10.31.22

#25

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I’m not paranoid or egotistical enough to imagine it actually Means Anything, but it is a VERY odd coincidence that I quit Twitter and immediately started getting these gross conservative Facebook ads about Roe legalizing “infanticide” and a guy in shirts reading “Awake But Not Woke” and “Make 1984 Fiction Again”. Maybe I accidentally logged into my mom’s account somehow, which would be pretty funny because then SHE’d be in MINE just commenting in all of my Star Trek groups about how she needs to Snopes Wolf 359 to get the unbiased story

12.08pm, 10.31.22

#24

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And I thought WESTERN comic-book reading-orders were confusing

11.09am, 10.31.22

#23

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ALLOW ME TO REPEAT MYSELF

10.15am, 10.31.2

#22

Refrigerator Full Of Heads simply has no right to be as much fun as it is

10.14am, 10.31.22

#21

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Happy David S. Pumpkins to those who celebrate!

8.03am, 10.31.22

#20

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Between The Silver Coin and Ice Cream Man I’m just having a ball here at the Horror Anthology Comics Party

9.50pm, 10.30.22

#19

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Ice Cream Man is a genuine Actual Fucking Nightmare, it is some of the most sincerely disturbing storytelling I’ve ever seen, but every once in a while it’ll hit you out of nowhere with something so sweet or warm or funny that you can’t even trust it, which is its own kind of horror.

Related: I LOVE GRG THE BUG.

9.19p m, 10.30.22

#18

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Listen, Society, I promise you this: you can keep remaking The Graveyard Rats forever, it’s a classic for a reason and it works every time, with or without the zombie from the original short story, but Guillermo Del Toro added a Cthulhu and I’m sorry, you just can’t ask me to forget that the next time this story comes around

6.24pm, 10.30.22

#17

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HO-HO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBOY THE GRAVEYARD RATS

6.17pm, 10.30.22

#16

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One thing I really liked about Barbarian was the way there was no “Well, legend has it that Old Man McMonstrous lived in yonder Airbnb, raising his strange brood…”, it was just some inhuman piece of shit in a basement who slipped through the cracks thanks to the disintegrating social and economic infrastructure around him. It’s much more realistic, and so more scary, than a Local Spooktacular Tale

3.30pm, 10.30.22

#15

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Sorry correction, Justin Long is clearly having a breast here in Barbarian, my bad.

2.07pm, 10.30.22

#14

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We’re watching Barbarian and I am so happy for Justin Long, every career nice-guy actor should get to be an absolute piece of shit at least once, this is his Chris Evans in Knives Out moment and he’s clearly having a blast

1.44pm, 10.30.22

#13

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Me: I see; and where have you sought treatment for this?

Harry Belafonte: MAAAAAAAAAAYO

8.01pm, 10.29.22

#12

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We’re painting a room together and just really enjoying it and each other; I don’t have anything funny to say about it, we’re just talking and painting and hanging out, it’s just really nice and rare enough that I’m trying hard to consciously make it a Memory. I don’t think enough people stop in the middle of the good times and hit ‘save’, and so much is lost that shouldn’t be. This won’t be. This is Mine, and Ours.

4.32pm, 10.29.22

#11

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Me: I love you, tiny adorable misanthrope.

Wife: What’s a misanthrope?

M: You know what a—Larry David, Larry David is a misanthrope.

W: I’m a dick?!

3.39pm, 10.29.22

#10

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I have no idea if this was supposed to be a joke or not but it caught me sideways and I laughed my ass off

12.41pm, 10.29.22

#9

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Well I’ll say this much, I’ve been off Twitter less than a day and I’ve already finished reading three comics and done a full day at work

11.57am, 10.29.22

#8

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I really love this border effect; My Hero Academia is a super gorgeous book, WAY prettier than I expected it to be, and it has so much fun with sound-effects and unsound-effects and just generally playing with the medium and using the frame as part of the painting.

11am, 10.29.22

#7

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Okay sorry, I mean no disrespect to the dead or their families, like this is a legitimate tragedy, obviously, but it’s also the single most convincing Zombie Outbreak kickoff-scenario I’ve ever seen in real life.

10:41am, 10.29.22

#6

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I’m reading The Silver Coin Vol. 1 and NOTHING conveys an understanding of horror like showing us an evil coin possessing people and driving them to maim and murder, then setting one story in the 2400s, having a character with cybernetic implants pick up the coin, and having her onboard systems scream VIRUS DETECTED VIRUS DETECTED VIRUS…ACCEPTED. That’s just top-shelf shit.

8:38am, 10.29.22

#5

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Just finished Open Bar and absolutely cannot recommend it enough; it’s sweet and human, face-punchingly funny, light and chompable without being shallow or hollow, and arrives at a profoundly poignant “every choice has led to this” conclusion that genuinely shocked me but made complete sense and was perfect; it’s also almost 300 pages and is GORGEOUS, I am OBSESSED with the art, which never hurts for the money.

7:03am, 10.29.22
#4

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One of our clinics is in a town in Texas called Port Lavaca, and every human life is difficult and complicated but I have to imagine being able to say you live in Cowport takes the edge off.
6:35am, 10.29.22
#3

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See, that’s the stuff; not actually too funny, or clever. THAT’s what the people come to the show for.
7:21pm, 10.28.22
#2

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*long drag on cigarette*
*cloud of ivory smoke billows around the Moon*
Tropic of Candycorn

7:07 pm, 10.28.22
#1

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My name is Blue Canary
One note, spelled L-I-T-E