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Resurrected Review: Lootcrate December 2015

[Long before I began to Blog, I would periodically do reviews of stuff on my Facebook, frequently the subscription-crate services that were all the rage before we were consumed with actual rage by the 2016 election.
I thought it might be fun to share one here now and then as a peek into the past and a younger Bageler, if I can pry them from the actively hostile corpse of Facebook’s Notes system, it long having been my custom to track down stupid, pointless things that end up being nowhere near worth the work that finding them required.
I’ve cleaned them up formatting and accessibility-wise, but have otherwise left them undisturbed by my modern sensibilities; as you can see, the Bageler of that time was also a huge tryhard, but had yet to learn the restraint and understantment for which I am now renowned the world over.

Hey guess what it’s me I’m back because secret confession I love reviewing things because the world is full of amazing stuff and I’m a thinly-veiled narcissist who loves to see his words arranged all pretty on the screen.

Item One:
The Crate Itself

It’s hip to be this friggin’ thing

That’s, uh, that’s square as hell, man.
Don’t come much squarer’n this’n here. Nosir.
Square as the day is long.

Individual Item Grade: Square

Item Two:
Space-Themed Ugly Christmas Sweater Style T-Shirt

No getting into Sparks Nevada’s Christmas party without one

Man there have been a cuss-ton (or, for my British friend, poppycock-cubit) of these Ugly Christmas Sweater style shirts out this year, and while I’m pretty sure the ones I’ve been seeing advertised (various Final Fantasies, the Dresden Files, etc.) are tailored specifically to my stupid interests because the internet is the world’s most thoughtful stalker, I think they’re probably pretty good indicators of the variety and quality of the kind of work being done, as evidenced here in this incredibly handsome Christmas On Mars shirt. I’m never, ever going to wear it but the level of detail on here is delicious: all nine planets being squeezed in there is an especially nice touch, and I’m subtly impressed by the fact that this is actually two winter scenes, one facing the Red Planet and one upon it.
The shirt itself is fairly standard Novelty Shirt fare; a little stiff, runs a little small, never going to be your go-to garment for either comfort or style, but when you go to your Weekly Thing your mates who are into dumb novelty t-shirts will get a good kick out of it, and then it’ll go back into your drawer forever, never worn, never donated, in a state of perpetual garment limbo.

Individual Item Grade: Astronomical

Item Three:
Great Big Tin With UNSC On

Purple Eagle Lunchbox is my patriotic Grateful Dead cover band

That eagle looks like he’s about to drop a sick beat in defense of our freedoms

Well hello there, absolutely all remaining space in the Crate. Ain’t you just a vision.
I’m guessing from the vaguely military-style acronemblem (Eagles: The Roman Empire, Third Reich and United States can’t be wrong!) and (I think?) ammo-box style construction it’s a reference to a thing where a lot of shit gets shot in space, probably by cartoonishly hypermacho or eternally faceless dudes with good, strong names like your dad’s.
Honestly this thing’s iconography rings no bells with me, but it’s a pretty cool, high-quality thing in itself and who doesn’t enjoy a good tin? Y’can put stuff in it. Like your shame.
(Edit: Further inspection of the tin’s Western facet reveals it is a Halo thing. Mea Culpa.)

Individual Item Grade: Two Eagle-Armpit Dots

Item Four:
Halo Redemption Code

Warnings in seven languages but sadly no DNR order for the series

Every one of those code-segments could be my new nerdcore rapper name

Here, first person to read this and care, have a free Supply Req Pack download code on the house. I’m not super-familiar with the Haloverse but that sounds like a consumable to me, so here’s hoping it’s a good one. I guess if Halo 5 Guardians is your game this would be a neat thing to get. I have no further thoughts on this item.

Individual Item Grade: Hal-O Hell Yes

Item Five:
Galaxy Quest Iron-On Patch


Signed Andre Gore, countersigned Chris Davis, in ink!

This is obviously awesome and would be even without the upcoming Amazon series [2022 Bageler here: lol], because Galaxy Quest is WAY better than you remember it being, and you remember it being pretty friggin’ great. I’m not much of a one for patches only because once you put it on a thing it is on that thing, and what if that jacket gets stolen by a vacationing French geonaut or that bag gets ruined by unwise Yoohoo storage and transport policies? That personal insecurity of mine aside this is a very fine item: handsome, well made, and extending enough credit to those who might enjoy it to not actually write ‘Galaxy Quest’ anywhere on the item itself, which would, of course, make it tacky and unusable by all but the most crass, Jason Longest of Questerians. Also: The symmetry of the encircling stars makes me happy, and is the title of my new volume of math-themed love poems and/or love-themed equations.
actually write ‘Galaxy Quest’ anywhere on the item itself, which would, of course, make it tacky and unusable by all but the most crass, Jason Longest of Questerians. Also: The symmetry of the encircling stars makes me happy, and also that is the title of my new volume of math-themed love poems and/or love-themed equations.

Individual Item Grade: A Steal At $29.99 In The NSEA Protector’s Giftshop

Item Six:
Little Star Wars Robut Sockles

Putting a character with no feet on a pair of socks was a bold move, Disney.

Confession: I have not yet seen Episode VII because, in a twist greater than that of Luke’s paternity, my shorter half has actually agreed to see it with me on the condition that we wait until the new year, so my knowledge of the above bowling-ball droid is limited, but I have been able to glean that they are pushing SUPER hard for it to be the adorable mascot they sought in Jar Jar, and it is to their credit that they’re willing to try that again after the enormous bantha-poodoo clustercuss it turned out to be. As socks they’re nylon and so not super duper comfy, but they’ve got your cute little buddy on, and if that’s your main concern you’re gonna be fine.

Individual Item Grade: An Elegant Garment For A Civilized Age

Item Seven:
Snow Gear Han Solo Funko Pop Figure


And I was THIS CLOSE to stealing the words ‘Star Wars’. DAMN YOU, TINY TM

Man, that is the most effort I’ve ever seen put into eye-bags on a vinyl figure, but I have to say it paid off. I love his little boots, I love his warm little coat, I love his tired, tired hair and oddly, incongruously realistic gun. Also I could be wrong, but I think this is the first Funko I’ve ever seen with a base, and while I certainly wouldn’t have been mad if it wasn’t there I love the fact that it is, although I do have mixed feelings about it saying ‘Star Wars’ right on there because, as we know, half the fun of a thing is recognizing it if it’s relevant to your interests and that particular fun-axis is somewhat diminished by it being spelled out, but the base is worth it because these melon-headed things fall over if you think too hard at them from the other side of the room, unless you’re experiencing poltergeist activity in which case you’ll need a medium, not to deal with the poltergeist but to contact the lingering, helpful spirit of Zelda Rubinstein so she can deal with it for you.

Individual Item Grade: NEVER TELL ME THE GRADE

Overall Crate Grade:

I’m gonna say a solid B; the loot was high-quality but there wasn’t much of it, which has kind of been their modus operandi for a while now. Unfortunately that means if those items aren’t critical hits the overall satisfaction percentage can go down pretty quickly. But I like my patch, I like my Han Snowlo, and I’ll probably hold onto the tin for a while with the intention of doing something with it, then eventually recycle it.

Item Eight:

D–don’t flip Jasper inside out, that’s not good cat advice.

Individual Item Grade: ADORABLE

2022 Bageler here again! Boy that guy was uh, A Lot, wasn’t he. But he had some good points re: Han Solo and escape rooms and the gold standard or whatever, I wasn’t really paying attention. BACK INTO THE VAULT WITH YOU, OLD ME.
What about you cats? How great do you think Galaxy Quest is, and why could you answer stand a 20% boost no matter what it is? What kinda cool socks did you get in 2015? Do you think maybe I should finally let Jasper out of that box? Lemme know in the comments!

Until next time, be good to yourselves, be good to each other, please wear your goddamn masks, and I’ll see you all next Christmas on Mars.

–The Bageler Of Tomorrow, Today

There’s a woman
On the outside
Looking inside

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