Auld Langue Mystique: The Ballistic Omniglossia Of Curse Words

Posted on by The Bageler

I try preeeeeetty hard to make my posts relatable and have as broad an appeal as possible, but this one? Ohohoho, she is just for me, citizens.

Yesterday I finished a run-up of Curse Words, the criminal enterprise/war on decency/gift to humanity by Charles Soule (various Star Wars titles, Eight Billion Genies, Undiscovered Country, Daredevil: Back In Black) and genuine art psychopath Ryan Brown (God Hates Astronauts, Bedlam, also Eight Billion Genies) about a wizard named Wizord who gets sent to earth with his familiar, a koala named Margaret, on a mission to murder every single one of us in the most brutal ways imaginable. But then: he discovers hot dogs, barbers, not being enslaved by an insane force of elemental hatred, and the magic of seeing Titanic on the big screen, and decides this place might just deserve not to be absolutely annihilated in an arcanonuclear firestorm. I recommend it without reservation, either in its issues, trades, or the recent single-volume omnibus.

One of the things I love most in any art is when the artists are very good at what they do, understand the rules very well, and use that combination to pull off ridiculous bullshit that shouldn’t work. In this particular instance, that means taking one of the clunkiest things about comics–how to visually and texturally express translation conventions and characters speaking different languages–and turn it into a running gag and extra goof-space that became a beloved trademark.
(For a really interesting conversation on this topic from industry insiders who work with translators and localizers, see what I’m pretty sure is this episode of Mangasplaining; even if I’m wrong about which episode it was, you still get to learn about a cool manga!)

During my read-through I collected every unique instance in the series, because collecting is fun and the capitalist brainworms demand I turn my every pleasure and pastime into something ~productive~. There are many examples in the book that use more brevity so as to not distract from the drama of the moment; despite what this nonsense would lead you to believe, there’re some sincerely heartbreaking and warming beats in this story, and there the translation is noted as simply and ‘From Quecha’ or ‘From Japanese’ or similar to minimize disruption, and I’ve omitted those both to keep the list from being overlong(er) and to avoid spoiling the context, which as I’ve noted tend to be more dramatic and less fart-joke.

Enjoy!

(Obligatory reminder to subscribe to my once-monthly newsletter here, which rounds up everything I wrote in the preceding month, grants access to a curated members-only Spotify playlist, and includes a piece of exclusive bonus collectible content I will NEVER repost anywhere else, ever!)

A man floating in the sky saying 'Why, hello there, old chap'* *Translated from the Langue Mystique
Day thirteen. A fish says: 'I am a fish! Put me in water. I am a fish!'* *translated from the Langue Fishtique
A frenchman is menaced by what appear to be chair-crabs on one of those One Palm Tree desert islands Frenchman: "Gah! Les chaises!"* *From the French: Chairs!"
The Frenchman attempts to escape the chaircrabs up a tree, saying: "Les chaises sans pitie! Non! Non!*" *Pitiless chairs!
A woman rides a unipeg (unicorn pegasus) shouting "WIZZZOOOOORRRD!"* *LANNNNGGGUUUEE MYSTIIIQQQUEEE!
A pretty terrifying guy shrouded in darkness with burning eyes and rainbow flames erupting from his skull, and wearing a rainbow-pinstripe white suit, says: "Welcome, welcome! So glad you could make it. About time for a good time, right?"* *This individual is not speaking english. It is another tongue, strange and wonderful, dark and guttural, known as the Langue Mystique!** *We translated it for you. We cool like that.
A man watches a sky-high wizard battle on TV, and says: "Zut alos! Non. NON. Pas encore! Putain!"* *FRENNNNNNNCH
A unipeg (unicorn pegasus) is struck by an explosion, and cries "Neigh! Neigh! I say thee neigh!"* *translated from unipeg
Paris. Some months ago. [a French apartment] Man: Who do you think will win, boys?* Boy 1: Oh, papa. Don't be silly. Boy 2: Hugo is right. Only one answer. *French, AKA La Langue D'amour** B2: The northerners always win. M: I suppose so. All right, let your father up. Even agents of Interpol must answer the call of nature. B2: All right, papa. But hurry! You don't want to miss something! M: Oh, don't worry, Thibault. I will hurry back. **The Language of Love*** M: Who knows what life-shattering events I might miss in two minutes away from a game of American baseball? ***Familial love, in this case. Don't be gross.
A woman clenches her teeth and says "Wizord."* *Langue Myst--oh, come on. This is issue 11. If you don't know the drill by now...no, no, Charles, relax. Every comic could be someone's first. Be cool. Stay cool. Okay. Trying again. LAAAAAAAANGUE MYSTIQUE!
A man wearing a tiger-skull helmet: "Hnh.** **Tiger talk
A woman with glowing red eyes: "Yes!"* *Langue Mystique--but all sensual-like
The Final Reach. Western border of Sizzajee's domain. A man with a snake bottom-half tells a bunch of monsters: "Come on, you guysss."* *Langue Mystique** **With Snake Sauce
The Hole World. Frenchman: You are certain zis is the right way, mademoiselle Silly Bee?"* A small girl called Silly Bee with her father's mummified skull tied to her tummy: "Oh yes, Mr. Zaques. I can feel your sons puling at your heart. It's one of my gifts. I can follow it right to wherever they are now. Straight, like a leg bone. We'll find them, don't you fret. *Langue Mystique. Someone cast a spell on Jacques Zacques between the last issue and now so he can speak it. Easy peasy.
The Hole World. Tiger Territory. Frenchman: My sons are down zere? With zese...ah...Tigers? Botchko, Silly Bee...we must attack! We must rescue them! Botchko: Yeah...forget it, Jacques. That's a fully armed Tiger encampment, and they've even got a bunch of those weird weapons. *Langue Mystique. Sounds like Hungarian by way of Boston.
A woman with a red sword: Wizord! Look at that!* Man with beard and blue magics: Eh, what's what, Ruby Stitch? *Langue Mystique. Sounds like candy made of lightning.
"You think this is another trick, Overlander? Is he trying to draw us in and unleash some sort of trap?"* "No, Jorchael Garbloyd. This is a real military failure. His units are making mistakes on an individual level--it shows poor training. Impossible to fake. They're no Tigers." *Tiger talk! Sounds like growls and meows, mostly.
A pretty terrifying guy shrouded in darkness with burning eyes and rainbow flames erupting from his skull, wearing beach clothes. "You've been working too hard.* I mean it. I'm proud of you, but if you aren't careful, you'll burn out. That's why we're here. Why I set all this up. I thought it was time for a little break. A change to recharge. Repower. And so, my friends..." *Langue Mystique, but hot and sweaty, like the city in August.
The war camp of Sizzajee, demon lord of the Hole World. Man 1: Would you look at that! Man got fat. Real fat!"* Man 2: You should 'ave let me kill 'im, Sizzajee! Now...I fear it is too late for us. Sizzajee: That's not fat, the Carbuncle. It's power, so much his body can barely contain it, and not a drop of it comes from me. And Jacues Zacques...shut your weak little mouth before I fill it with your weak little heart." *Mystical Magician talkin' dat Langue Mystique!

That’s all! I hope you enjoyed and maybe wanna go read one of the stranger, funnier comics you’ll ever meet; this was a fun thing to do while binging Poker Face, which is incredible and which you should go watch immediately. Bye!

–The Bageler

Flashes and phosphenes
It’s hard to believe that’s me
Strapped in and visibly sweating
As happy as I’m ever gonna be

2 thoughts on “Auld Langue Mystique: The Ballistic Omniglossia Of Curse Words”

    1. Jackie, Curse Words is…I lack the ability to describe, but suffice it to say it never met a pun whose pocket it wouldn’t pick; naturally, it regularly reduces me to a giggling maniac, for I am only as the Lort saw fit to make me

      Reply

Hey what do YOU dang think though?

%d bloggers like this: