I am, the gentle reader will have no choice but to agree, a very serious man.
OKAY, shut up, yes, that sounds like a fake lie, I myself said “Wait, really?” as I typed it, but yes, really; I simply take being a rascally goofball very seriously, and among other things that means being intentional and aware of the ways my bamboozlements, chicanery, and assorted mischief affect both myself and those around me.
To wit: I work in a legal firm, specifically on a case involving [content warning for child death] child death, and to make LOLfodder out of such a thing is both not in my nature and also to wave over the Fuck-Around Sommelier and order a tall, frosty glass of Find Out. And he’s like “Sir, I’m going to have to cut you off” and you’re all “Big talk for a skeleton with a mustache” and he says “Sir I’m just very skinny, and you drew this on my face” and you’re like “Well apparently God wasn’t gonna get around to doing it“.
But a workplace is a workplace, and in the volume of the Job-Jar most of your good goofs and personality vectors don’t happen in the big rocks anyway, but in the sand that fills the nooks and niches and other things what squiggle. I balance borderline aggressive professionalism with getting one of our lawyers to start saying ‘goozle’ in her emails1 2, Daily Comics Recommendations in my Slack status with tagging over 2,500 pieces of evidence in three weeks. There is a lesson in this, a principle by which I live both my personal and professional lives, and I will share this with you, here and now, and the end of this sentence, which will now conclude: Be indispensable 3, and you can get away with almost anything.
And in my regular human life I am possibly the last of the famous international playboys, which I thought was a Psych reference as I typed it, but then when I tried to find that clip of Shawn telling Gus not to be one of those, it turns out it’s a Morrissey song???
I’m not gonna lie that really threw me off, I have no idea what I was saying before and this jazz gummy’s knob is cranked up to INFINITE TRUMPET, so I’m gonna go eat an entire gingerbread retirement home’s worth of leftover candy canes5.
GOOD NIGHT, GOOD LUCK, AND I’M GOING TO CVS FOR MORE CANES DO YOU GOONS WANT ANYTHING.
–The Bageler
- Your honor we plead GOOZLED AS CHARGED
- Or wait, no, Benghoozlie? Is that anything?
- Or at least a pain in the ass to get anything done without
- Sad British Boys Going ‘Ooo’ for whom I WILL vouch include Thom Yorke, Chris Martin, and Noel Gallagher, but NOT Liam
- Don’t worry, all the gingerbread grandparents will get free replacements, courtesy of…GINGERBREADICARE???